The cynical optimist

For years I never thought my story would mean anything to anyone, at least this particular chapter of my story. However the story I am about to share, for the longest time only my family knew, but I put it in a witness talk for a retreat 2 years ago and now I have been asked to make it a staple in my talk. It was a silly little story, I always thought I was overreacting.

In kindergarten, the class would gather around in a circle and sing The Farmer and the Dell you know the one…

The farmer and the dell
The farmer and the dell

Hi-ho the derry-o

The farmer and the dell

Yeah…we would sing THAT song, and it was all fun and games, for about 2 or 3 weeks until I realized that every day I was picked as the cheese. And as a refresher course for those of you who may have forgotten, as the cheese you stand alone in the middle of a circle of your classmates and they sing

The cheese stands alone

The cheese stands alone

Hi-ho the derry-o

The cheese stands alone

Now at a young age, I laughed about this for a little while, I was the cheese, at least I was picked for something! But then the meaning between the words sunk in and I started to understand, I would stand alone.

It was then I started to cry, I cried and cried, my mother was called into the school and I explained myself. It was no longer a fun innocent game for me, for the first time in my life I felt self doubt, I was being targeted for simply being myself, so I shut down.
I became the quiet kid, the kid who couldn’t, hell still has trouble expressing himself, in fear I will stand alone, I’ve let people leave, didn’t hang on to relationships because they’d have left anyway. I mean isn’t that what the song was telling me? Isn’t that what my classmates were telling me?

Sometimes when I’m at my lowest moments I still remember this story, I remember that this is how it was told, that even after all these years I’ve never and will never become more than the cheese, at the end, alone.

I’ve been working on fixing that though, I’ve been working on becoming a better person, working on allowing myself a space in the world, and this blog is where I begin to carve out that place. And who knows where I’ll be in 5, 10, 15 years maybe I will end up alone, but I will not end up lonely. I will not let a song sung 20+ years ago dictate who I am and who I become. I will pick up my shattered pieces, pull myself together and live.