The cynical optimist

Earlier today I tweeted this:

Never before have I felt the existence of a crossroads in my life so clearly as I do today. I wonder how long the roads are and which one leads to my dreams and is the more than one solution? #amwriting #writerslife

And I just wanted to expand upon this idea, give you a small glimpse inside my head and maybe even work out an answer along the way. So I guess as the old saying goes: Here goes nothing.

I do not know what my future holds for me. I do not know how to navigate life. I have always done what is safe, what is tried, what is true.

I have only gone out on a limb once, and now i’m terrified of falling. Almost a year ago I was promoted to a shift manager at my work. It took me 2 weeks to decide if I wanted to try it. In the past months I have thought about volunteering to step down before they made me, on four separate occassions. Each day is stressful, each day I come home worn out and exhausted, and most of the blame falls on my thought process because I don’t believe I deserve it, that any number of my co-workers are more fitting for the job, so I try to out work them, I try to prove my worth. And that is not good. And what’s even worse is because I am here, because I know my work, I could ride this ride till the end, better the devil that you know right?

I don’t know.

Another thing I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is when I look at people I wonder about what dreams they had to give up to get them to where they are? And are they are happy despite losing those dreams? And do dreams change based on circumstance?

I dream to be an author, someone who can spread hope in their stories and in their words…

However in 2020 I will be getting married, and I have to wonder if that dream is impractical and if I have to give up that dream to support a family then will I be happy?

I’m going to say yes, I have found a love I never thought I would. If I am blessed with children, however they may come I would have a family, and in the end, that’s all I would need to be happy.

People give up all of those things for the dream of something bigger, they go on to fame and money, they go on to be musicians and chef’s, actors and writers, but without people to share it with is it worth it?

When do you chase your dreams?

When do you throw in the towel?

Do you embrace the safety?

Or do you throw caution to the wind?

I wish I knew the answer.