The cynical optimist

As the months run down in 2019 and we are set to start a new decade soon, I have a lot running through my head.

I’m engaged, I’m closing in on a second draft to a novel that I have been working on for years and it will be the farthest I’ve ever traveled on the path to becoming published, I am stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing myself to have a voice for the first time in a long time.

I also still struggle with self-confidence and social anxiety. For years I tried to make myself invisible. If I didn’t talk to anyone, If I didn’t put myself out there I couldn’t be hurt, If I didn’t exist in anyone else’s eyes I couldn’t be hurt…

I tried to step out of the sun…

This mentality is something I’m still trying to heal from, if I’m on twitter and there is a post I want to respond too, I’ll often times like it, or retweet it, but I almost never respond because I feel as if I’d be a nuisance to them, I oftentimes don’t say my ideas at work because I don’t want to put myself out there, I don’t talk to new people for months because what if they leave? What if they hate me? But…

I’m trying my hardest to get better and I have been, I’ve come so far, in the last year alone but I still have so far to go.

I’m learning, growing and making mistakes every day. I’m also learning to live in the moment. I have spent so much of my life holding onto the past, or worrying about the future that I forget to live in the now.

This journey into self-improvement, into life isn’t over, it’s really only just beginning.

I’m looking forward to 2020, to all the changes and challenges that may come my way, We’ll get through it all together..