The cynical optimist

On my birthday last year I watched a movie called “Tick, Tick…Boom!” which is a semi-autobiographical musical written by Jonathan Larson, who for those who don’t know is the same person behind the musical “Rent”

I picked this movie because besides being a fan of musical theater and being curious about the life of Jonathan Larson, it told the story of a 29 year old creative person on the verge of 30 feeling like he was running out of time, and well I could absolutely relate being myself a 29 year old creative person on the verge of 30 feeling like I was running out of time. 

As anybody who has read this blog over the last year or two knows, turning 30 was, well, a terrifying thought for me. I thought by the time I was 30 I would have known what I wanted to do with my life, I thought I’d be married, maybe even have a kid? Instead as my 30th birthday approached I felt like I knew less about myself than I did at 18…

So I started watching “Tick, Tick…Boom!” looking for answers partly, but more than that I was looking for hope, that maybe watching this movie would help me feel less alone in that fear and maybe it would even give me a roadmap out and after I watched it despite loving it, and seeing myself so fully in some of the lyrics. I couldn’t help but feel like I didn’t get the roadmap, the answers, or the hope that I had wanted, and it wasn’t until I watched it a second time that I realized it was all there, I had just missed it.

There’s a scene where Jonathan’s friend Michael asks him the following question:

“You need to ask yourself in this moment are you letting yourself be led by fear or by love?”

Michael, Tick, Tick…Boom!

And that question really struck me the second time around, sticking with me long after the movie had ended and I realized I had to ask myself that same question what was I letting myself be led by?

Fear or Love?

It didn’t take me long to find out my answer, it was as Jonathan Larson says in one of the trailers for the movie:

“Fear! 100% Fear!”

Jonathan Larson, Tick,Tick…Boom!

Most of my life I’ve allowed myself to be led by Fear. I didn’t do things because I was afraid of failure. I didn’t take chances, I didn’t reach out to people easily or make friends with people easily because I was afraid  I was too boring or too strange, I almost missed out on the chance to be with my Fiancée because I was terrified I’d somehow mess that up as well. Hell, I was even letting the fear of time control how I was celebrating my birthday.

Why was I letting Fear be in control? and could I ever let Love take the lead?

Well after watching “Tick, Tick…Boom!” (Which I would 100% recommend if you haven’t already) I’m going to try…I’ve spent the last month writing again, at least 100 words a day, I started reading again, I’m learning that life is so much better when you choose to do the things you love. I had spent so much of my time doing nothing, either scrolling endlessly thought social media, or watching TV and keeping up to date on all the worst news, news that kept me gripped with fear and wrapped in cynicism. I’d never been a pessimist, but I had been struggling for a long time to hold onto hope, to believe that there was still good and light and love in the world, when it turned out, it hadn’t stopped . It was all still here, I had just stopped looking.

This last month has felt like a breath of fresh air. I’m finding time to do all the things I loved again where it always felt like I had none. I still have a lot of work to do…some things I need to get back around to doing, some things I need to fix, but in time that will come along as well.

Letting myself be led by Love has been my roadmap out. I have found hope again, I have found at least part of myself again. And to Jonathan Larson, and everybody involved in the making of Tick, Tick…Boom! I am eternally grateful..

So let me end this by posing the same question to you.

In this moment are you letting yourself be led by fear or by love?