The cynical optimist

I don’t know if this will get published the same day I’m writing this but as of right now it is New Year’s Eve, we’ve got just over 12 hours left in the year and I’ve spent the last few weeks thinking back and reflecting on how 2022 has gone and I got say overall it wasn’t a great year, at least not for me.

2022 has been a year in stasis.  For a variety of reasons, we had a world opening back up, a world that had given up on trying to mitigate a global pandemic, we had the world holding it’s breath as Russia invaded Ukraine, and the constant threat of nuclear catastrophe at the power plants there, or threats of WW3 as tensions rose just about everywhere, at a global level there was a lot going on…all the time and that was somewhat paralyzing on it’s own.

On a personal level I have been dealing with the fact that I don’t know who I am.  When I think about the future I realize that there is nothing but fog and confusion. There is nothing that seems like the clear correct path and because of that I’ve spent my year frozen in time.

How can I move forward when I don’t know if it’s the right step? How do I commit to a path without knowing that it’s going to all turn out okay, everything I thought I knew about myself, everything that I had defined myself over the past few years has been met with renewed scrutiny.

Most importantly I’ve always been a bit of an optimist. I have always believed that people are genuinely good and that good things and good in general will always win out, but I’ve found that belief tested time and time again. Whether it was reading the other day about people wanting to dismantle the department of education, or people using AI art to belittle the actual hard work of artists everywhere, or over the course of the pandemic people protesting and screaming at each other over common sense mitigation efforts that were specifically designed to SAVE LIVES….

Everyday it seemed like there was a story that made that hope and that optimism fade ever so slightly and there were more days than not where it felt like I lost it completely and even now I find that fire of hope has severely diminished, though I know it’s still there burning ever so slightly.

and I’m bringing that faint flicker of hope with me into 2023, I’m going to trust my instincts more, I’m not going to let the fear of failure stop me from moving forward anymore. I’m going to immerse myself in books and movies and art of all forms, I’m going to write more and hopefully by doing all this, I’ll find the answers I’ve spent so long seeking. 2023 is going to be a year full of triumphs and failures, full of asking questions unafraid of the answer, full of discovery and finally after a year of stasis, a year full of life.